i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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