You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
