My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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