No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
