why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
