he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
