You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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