dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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