I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
