Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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