thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
