The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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