This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
