He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
His nipple licking is glorious
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