I wish my penis had an off switch
oh god the rape fog is back!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
