i was born a porn star she said
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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