NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
