Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
