got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
