I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
