im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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