now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
