On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We left the knife in your bed.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
