I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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