there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just gargled with NyQuil
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
