sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
