just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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