I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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