you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
