Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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