Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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