Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
