Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
