I molested 6 butterflies tonight
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
