I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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