I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
