Betty ford says i'm here all night
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
