i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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