he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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