barbara walters just said penis...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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