it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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