Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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