Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
