I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
ttyl tear gas
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Randomize
