did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
