Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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