if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
