I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
