I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
