just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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